In my Facebook memories yesterday, I came across this old post that I wrote on 10 June 2015, back when I was just a young kid of 42. Sometimes when I look at things I wrote in the past, I cringe and wonder what I was possibly thinking, but this seemed rather good - in fact, I decided it was worth sharing here. I quote it below, and then I will follow up with one or two additional comments at the end. As you will see, this post is mainly directed at Christian men, but hopefully any ladies reading this will also be edified by it.
We learn something of God's order in 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." Much emphasis is placed in Christian circles on the middle declaration, "the head of the woman is the man". This is understandable in many ways due to the current feminism-dominated culture where you have all these Jezebels running around trying to dominate men and pretty much take charge of everything, and where you have marriages in which the woman acts as the head of the home while the man submits to her will. Such marriages exist not only in the world, but within the church too, so it certainly important to remind people of what God's order actually is.However, as needful as it is to remember that middle statement, sometimes too much emphasis can be placed on it. In my observation, very little attention is paid to the first declaration, "the head of every man is Christ". So that is what I would like to dwell on a little in this post.Now although this verse has to do with the marital relationship, it goes without saying that Christ is as much the Head of the single man as He is the married one. Jesus is Lord, and as such He is the Head of a man when that man gets saved. That means, fellas (and ladies too, obviously, but I'm aiming this post mainly at my fellow-men) that your life should be lived according to His will and His direction. It is something I have to remind myself of regularly, because I am all too inclined sometimes to make like Frank SIN-atra and "do it my way". (That sure worked out well for Frankie. If he ever breaks out into "I Did It My Way" in Hell, you can be sure that he now sings it as a lament rather than a boast.) Everything you do should be done as Christ directs. There should be no leaning on your own understanding, no trusting in your own heart. Ever. (Easier said than done, obviously, but that is nonetheless how it ought to be, all the time.) To bring in the third declaration of this verse, Christ submitted to His head, God the Father, at all times. "For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me." (John 6:38) We no longer exist to do our own will, but the will of Christ, our Head.It is much the same for married men, but of course you guys have the additional responsibility of leading your home. And - this is really, really important - that leadership should be done in accordance with Christ's will. You follow His orders and you will also answer to Him someday on how you led your home. The way NOT to lead your home is to do it the SIN-atra way. It's not a matter of "I know best, my way or the highway, honey". That's not Christlike headship or leadership. Frankly, such a brand of "leadership" amounts to little more than bullying. Of course, you don't go in the "Yes, dear, no dear, anything you say dear" direction either, because that's completely flipping God's order around.Real headship and leadership, chaps, goes like this: "The Word of God says thus and thus concerning this matter, and the Lord would have us do this, so we will follow what He says". See, it's not "This is how I think it should be done", but "this is how the Lord would have it to be done". And when you lead like that, it will be so much easier for your wives (assuming they are godly and walking in the Spirit) to submit to you as to Christ. Because if you are fully submitted to Christ's will, then by submitting to you, they are yielding to His will as well. But if you have that "I'll do it my way" mentality, your wife may still submit in obedience to the Word (although no wife should submit to anything unlawful), but it won't be nearly so easy or pleasant, and there will invariably be tension and strife somewhere along the line, much of which will be your fault because you've chosen to make yourself the head of you rather than Christ. But hey, if you want a failed or at least unhappy marriage, go ahead and follow Mr SIN-atra's lead.I hope you married fellows don't think I have spoken out of turn as one who is still single and not yet acquainted with the trials and challenges of married life. But the Lord has put this on my heart for some reason - probably mainly to do with how He wants me to live my own life, now and in the future (whatever that may hold). Still, I hope it's helpful to my single and married male friends alike. And I would like to close with this somewhat challenging thought for those of you who have tied the knot: if your marriage is not going as well as you would like, could it be that the central problem is you're not recognising Christ as your Head? Could it be that you're trying to do it the SIN-atra way instead of God's way? Start submitting to Christ as your Head, and it just might make a pretty amazing difference to not only your marriage, but your whole family situation generally.
So there you have it. I have not edited the post in any way, except to format the Scripture quotes the way I like to do on this blog. I have also added italics in one sentence. It is otherwise exactly as I wrote it and shared it to Facebook seven years ago. At the time I wrote it, there was a young lady I was rather keen on and so thoughts of marriage and how to be the head of my home that God wants me to be were rather prominent in my mind. (It later transpired that she believed several serious heresies and wouldn't hear correction about them, so that didn't end well.) I therefore believe that I wrote it in part for myself. However, there may have been other motives. I know some of the Christian men I was friends with at the time with had a few questionable attitudes, so I might have also been tackling them a bit.
Nowadays, the Lord has blessed me greatly by bringing a wonderful and very godly Christian lady into my life whom I hope to be able to marry someday. (I think she shares that hope, but there are one or two complicating factors that I won't go into here. All I will say is that I am in earnest daily prayer and trusting in God to direct my course, and hers, and work things out according to His will, and that I have exhorted her to do likewise. Also, my current friendship with her is bringing forth a lot of good fruit in our lives, which confirms to me that it is part of God's plan for both of us at this time, even if it doesn't culminate in marriage later on.) So this subject has come to the forefront of my mind again. It was thus rather good timing that I came across this old Facebook post. Even if the Lord ultimately has plans other than marriage for this lovely lady and me, it is still worth writing this now for the benefit of anyone who might need it now or in the future. Indeed, even though everything turned to custard with that other woman in the end, I'm still glad I wrote the Facebook post back then.
I note that I wrote "Jesus is Lord" in that post. However, something I learned recently is that the specific phrase, "Jesus is Lord" does not appear in the King James Bible. But the phrase "Jesus is THE Lord" does appear once: "Wherefore I give you to understand, that no man speaking by the Spirit of God calleth Jesus accursed: and that no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost." (1 Corinthians 12:3) The definite article is important, because it stresses that Jesus is the one and only Lord, whereas the common modern expression, "Jesus is Lord", is actually a little vague (perhaps that's why many false converts have no problem saying it, or putting bumper stickers on their car with this message). So I'm going to correct myself slightly on that point.
Where I agree with myself from seven years ago most strongly is where I said that leading a home should involve searching the Word of God and following its guidance. Now of course, there are matters that the Bible is silent about. For example, if you're trying to figure out what colour your kitchen should be, you won't find any specific instruction in God's Word about that. (At least, I'm not aware of any.) But even with something like that, there are still some Biblical principles that could be applied, at least in terms of how you discuss it and figure out a solution if there is a strong difference of opinion. Another point I would add here is that men should focus on obeying the commandments for husbands. Let your wife focus on obeying the commandments for wives (or women generally). Don't endlessly quote Ephesians 5:22 or Colossians 3:18 to her (she more than likely knows them by heart anyway). A lot of marital strife, from my (admittedly limited) observation, comes about because men and women both tend to point the finger at each other and say, "You should be doing this and that," or "That's YOUR fault" rather than pointing at themselves and saying, "You know, I need to improve in this area". "For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged." (1 Corinthians 11:31) So if your marriage is going through some hard times, guys, take a look at yourself first and deal with the beams in your own eye before worrying about any motes in your wife's eye. Focus on your own sins first. Ideally, she will do likewise. (To any ladies reading, you should examine yourselves as your husband hopefully examines himself.) Look at where you have come up short on obeying the commandments for husbands, repent before both God and your wife, and focus on obeying Him better in future.
Something else I would add now is that both husbands and wives ought to have a servant mindset. The Lord Jesus Christ is our model for this. Consider how he washed His disciples' feet - one of the dirtiest, meanest jobs a servant in those days could do. But in no way did this diminish His authority or standing as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The thing is, nobody made Jesus do that. He did that willingly. He performed that act of service - as He performed all acts of service throughout His life - in love. "For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another." (Galatians 5:13) While this verse in Galatians is directed at the church, it certainly applies to husbands and wives as well. A Christian wife should both submit to her husband and serve him in love - and that love should be both for Christ and her husband. However, a Christian husband should likewise serve his wife in love. If Christ is truly your head, then He will show you ways to do that. Being the head of your home does not mean you can laze around in your easy chair while shouting in a stentorian voice, "Woman! Fetch my slippers!" or "Hurry up with the dinner!" or whatever. (You should be speaking to your wife much more gently and respectfully than that.) The fact is that the more power and authority you have, the more you should seek to serve. "And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all." (Mark 10:44) However, serving doesn't mean being subservient. As I wrote seven years ago, if you're in "Yes dear, no dear" mode, you're doing it wrong. (Likewise, ladies, there is a difference between Biblically submitting to your husband and being subservient to him. If he's dominating you, he's not exercising godly authority, but abusing it.) What it does mean, fundamentally, is willingly doing something in love. Here's a simple example. Maybe your wife is tired after a long day, but there is yet more to do. You do some of the tasks that might normally be in her domain (for instance, maybe you tidy the dishes or do a little vacuum cleaning) or help her out with them. She doesn't ask or demand that you do it - you see a need and take it on yourself as an act of loving service at a time when she needs a break or at least some relief. Doing something like that doesn't make you any less of a man, or diminish your status as head of the home. In fact, performing acts of loving service of this nature makes you MORE of a man, really. Even just working to provide for your family is an act of service, when you think about it.
One last point I'd like to make is that Biblical charity should underlie everything you do. This applies to both husbands and wives, of course. "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." (1 Corinthians 13:13) "Let all your things be done with charity." (1 Corinthians 16:14 - notice that ALL there.) "And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness." (Colossians 3:14) "Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned" (1 Timothy 1:5 - note here that charity is chiefly the result of three things, all of which are only possible when you are born again). Ultimately, everything that I've been talking about, both in the old Facebook post and subsequent remarks in this blog post, comes back to that. The godly lady now in my life exercises much of this kind of charity towards me, and I seek to do the same for her, which I think is one reason why we are both being so blessed by our friendship right now. Indeed, if the Lord makes it possible for us to marry someday, I want this charity that we now practise to be one of the cornerstones of the life we lead together. Men, if you really want to be the head of your home that God wants for you to be, then make a practice of being charitable to your wife (because the Biblical commandments for husbands are based on that anyway). Wives, you should also practise charity to your husbands - it goes both ways. Study 1 Corinthians 13 thoroughly to learn more about how to do this.
If you have an hour or so to spare, I highly recommend this video that was recently released by Nate Marino of Sound the Battle Cry Ministries. He does a thorough Biblical study of the husband's duty towards his wife. (He's planning a video on the wife's duty towards her husband as well.) Every Christian man who is married, or at least thinking about being married, should watch it. So I will end this post by leaving you with Nate's teaching below.
