All of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves embroiled in a quarrel with somebody else. It might be a squabble with a sibling, disagreement with a parent (or child), argument with a spouse, dispute with a neighbour, disagreement with a colleague and so on. All too often, these quarrels can turn ugly as harsh words are spoken and even blows exchanged. Well, the cause of such quarrels is pride, as the verse for Day 6 of Pride Month reveals:
"Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom." (Proverbs 13:10)
The word contention basically means quarreling or strife. It occurs nine times in the King James Bible, and the verse I have just cited is the first place it occurs. Here are some of the other verses about contention to give you more of an idea of what the Bible means when it uses this word:
"The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with." (Proverbs 17:14)
"A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes." (Proverbs 18:6 - this relates to people who are always shooting their mouths off to pick a fight)
"Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease." (Proverbs 22:10 - ugly arguments are often started by scorners, who are usually proud and haughty individuals)
"Why dost thou shew me iniquity, and cause me to behold grievance? for spoiling and violence are before me: and there are that raise up strife and contention." (Habakkuk 1:3)
Now, not every conflict, or disagreement, or difference of opinion is wrong in and of itself. It is possible to have a perfectly civilised discussion with someone and yet still disagree on some things. Where people are prepared to be reasonable, you can disagree sometimes without a major drama eventuating.
But if one or both parties involved in a disagreement lets pride take over (for example, if they adopt a "My way or the highway" attitude), that is where contention comes into play. There are also some people who start a fight for no good reason (which is what Proverbs 18:6 is about, and also the second part of Habakkuk 1:3). They waltz into a room and start taunting someone or hurling accusations. Or they post something provocative on an Internet forum (this is called "trolling"). Their purpose in doing so is to provoke a reaction from the other person and thereby start an argument. What underscores such behaviour? Quite simply, pride! When people are quarrelling, they often get puffed up. In fact, at the root of whatever else the strife is about, they are really trying to get one over on the other person. In their pride, their goal is not to reason, but to win. And if the other person is just as determined to win, then you have contention.
I have had my share of conflicts with different people over the years. And I can tell you that every time I got involved in a heated argument, it was because of my pride. I wanted to win. I wanted to be right. I wanted to show that other person how right I was and how wrong they were. And they wanted the same things. Hence, by the pride of us both came contention. Sometimes, I was provoked. The other person was in the wrong (at least, initially). But my reaction to the provocation, which then led to contention, was all down to my pride. I wanted to give the person who had provoked me a bit of their own medicine. And of course, in their pride, they kept on taunting, railing, accusing or just plain arguing. Aside from my own conflicts, I have witnessed others squabbling, and when I think back on those, I can see how the pride of everyone involved was at work. In fact, I probably saw it at the time for the most part (although I didn't always recognise the part my pride played in my own quarrels - after all, I was right and they were wrong, you know!). So the Bible is absolutely right (as indeed it is about everything). Pride really is the only source of contention among people. There may be other secondary causes (such as assorted lusts), but pride is the primary one.
If pride is the reason for quarrels and squabbles, the way to reduce this in your life is by laying aside pride. The Bible contains a number of commandments for defusing contentious situations, and when you examine them carefully, you will see that obeying them requires you to swallow your pride:
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:43-45)
"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." (Luke 6:27-31)
"Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not." (Romans 12:14)
"Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." (Romans 12:17-18)
"See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men." (1 Thessalonians 5:15)
"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing." (1 Peter 3:9)
There are other verses besides (including some in the Old Testament), but these are enough to be going on with. A common theme that emerges is doing good to others, even when they are doing evil to you. Now, that tends to go against our human nature. When somebody wrongs us with an insult, false accusation or whatever, our first instinct is usually to try to get even. Why do we do that? Well, really, it comes down to pride. As often as not, our pride is wounded. But what God would have us to do is put our wounded pride to one side and do good to others anyway. In doing so, we reflect His nature. We have all sinned against God more than we know. He would have been perfectly justified in wiping us all out. Yet He has mercy on us and shows kindness even to those who hate Him by providing everyone with the same sunshine and rain. Moreover, it is not our place to take revenge. That is God's prerogative: "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." (Deuteronomy 32:41) "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." (Romans 12:19) There will come a day when God takes vengeance on all who have sinned and hated Him, and never repented. Which means that if someone has wronged us, God will deal with them should they not repent of their wrong. However, in our pride, we often usurp God's role by trying to get even ourselves. What often happens is that the other person will take revenge in turn, thereby creating a vicious cycle. I have certainly been guilty of vengeful actions (usually in the form of bitter words), and when I reflect upon those sins (for every time I tried to "get even" with someone, I sinned against the Lord), I would say that in every single case, pride was involved on my part. The wrong done to me hurt my pride, while "successful" revenge made me puffed up (until the other person got revenge in turn).
It is certainly not always easy to do good to people who are being unkind to you. But if you can humble yourself and obey the Scriptures rather than your feelings (especially when they are running high), you will defuse many a potentially bad situation. You might even witness to the other person through your actions. Also, if you don't wrong them, they have nothing further to use as leverage against you. So whatever power they might have been trying to gain over you will be lost. Don't forget also that our real battle is not against flesh and blood - our war is a spiritual one. That is why we need to pray for people who are persecuting us. After all, Paul, when he was known as Saul, persecuted the Christian church, yet became one of the greatest evangelists in history after he was saved. You never know whether your prayers for an enemy could one day result in another Saul becoming a Paul.
So to summarise: among the many evils pride produces, a major one is arguments and quarrels. As I said earlier, it is possible to disagree civilly and discuss things maturely. But when pride gets in the way, then you get ugly conflicts. If you are someone who seems to have a lot of conflict in your life, it may be that you have a few toxic people around you. But consider that perhaps your own pride has something to do with it. Lay aside your pride and start following the Scriptures instead of your passions, and you may just find that there will be a lot more peace in your life. But if you let your pride dictate the way you treat others, you will never have good relationships in your life. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat or that you can't set boundaries, but even then, be as courteous and civil as you can. Remember as David did when he faced Goliath that ultimately, the battle is not yours, but God's.
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